It’s been 6 weeks since I started Venlafaxine, and I can’t remember the last time I felt better! I’ve been on anti-depressants since October 2013, and I had resigned myself to the fact that anti-d’s only do so much, that it would take a long time and a lot of work to feel better, and that I definitely wouldn’t ever be able to feel ‘fantastic’ no matter how hard I tried.
Yet here I am, feeling amazing in myself, and wondering where it’s come from and how long it will last for. I can only put it down to one thing – the new anti-depressant that I’m on. I haven’t changed anything else drastically in my life: I’m still looking for work, I always eat well and circus training continues. So I ask myself – is this possible? Can this feeling last? Or is this a temporary ‘high’ from having doubled my dose again to 150mg in the last few days?
I’m always really cautious when I start to feel good because it’s always followed by a really low dip in my mood. But this time it feels different… The last time I can remember feeling like this was never. I never thought it was actually possible to feel this good in myself. A lot of my anxiety has vanished, I feel great when I wake up in the morning, and I enjoy each moment when I’m in it.
I think it signifies a marked difference in my behaviour and demeanour. I find it easier to laugh, easy to joke and smile, and easier to be around people in a social capacity. I no longer want to lock myself away in my room, and I’m as content in myself as it’s possible to be pre-surgery and pre-hormones.
I wanted to write a blog post about feeling this good as a reminder to myself that it is possible to feel happy – just in case I forget when I’m feeling really low. People who have never experienced chronic depression cannot imagine how good it feels to be happy – I feel like I’m walking on air! I hope this feeling lasts, but if it doesn’t, at least I know now that it is possible to feel great.