I’m Not Mad

InsanityI’ve always struggled with going to sleep early, and I’ve got into a bad habit of staying up late recently. I know it’s partly because my most recent partner was a late night person and we would often not get to sleep until 1 or 2am. This doesn’t help my mental health, however, so I’m going to try and rectify this. As I write this, it is 1:09am, so perhaps I’ll start tomorrow.

I’ve been on a ‘get fit and healthy’ binge recently. I started about 2-3 weeks ago, and I’ve ramped it up in the last week. This is because of two things. Firstly – I received a letter telling my that I have my second opinion appointment for top surgery. Secondly, I ended a relationship for personal reasons – I need to be able to concentrate on myself during this time of change and transition, and I have more free time on my hands. Also exercising distract me from being alone.

All in all, things are looking up. My sleep is messed up and my head is even more messed up at the moment. I struggle every single day. But I know I can do it because I’ve been through so much worse already this year and I came out the other side feeling well and stronger, better able to look after myself.

For the last 3 months I’ve been alternating my Citalopram dose, 20mg then 30mg then 20mg etc. So far, it’s been working quite well. It’s taken my body a bit of time to get used to the constant switching of dosage, but it’s starting to level out now. Ideally I would take 25mg per day, but the 10mg tablets don’t cut in half very well, and you can’t get 5mg of Citalopram.

At first, I would really notice the days that I’ve taken the 20mg. I experience more of a drop at nighttime, and I would feel more tired. I don’t know if the increase in exercise has made a difference, but I don’t feel as tired on my 20mg days anymore. And although I’m still experiencing drops at night, it’s not really based on the dosage of the day, and it’s always improved by exercise and a nice long bath afterwards.

Depression is one of those crappy things that creeps up on you when you least expect it. I had several months of euphoria because I wasn’t feeling down. I then had several months of managing to feel pretty good, while realising that my depression was coming back, but being in denial about it. But this time, I caught it on time. Perhaps it will take a lot more practice, and more consistency to prevent it from sliding down this far again. That’s ok though. One of the things I’ve learned is not to be so hard on myself, and to be realistic with what I can achieve on a day-to-day basis.

I’m going to go to bed now and listen to Harry Potter, cos that’s what I do when I struggle with sleep. My plan is to get up at 8am tomorrow morning no matter how tired I feel. Here’s to a fresh start again 🙂

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