I’ll start with the sad news first. I decided to break up with my girlfriend. We had been seeing each other for just over 3 months and although our relationship was really awesome, in the last month my head has been in quite a bad place. I suppose it links in to the self-loathing that I have towards my body, but it’s also more than that. I need to love myself before I can love someone else properly. I have so much that I need to sort out in my head, and transition is both an exhausting and a selfish process. And right now, I need to go through this alone, with no distractions.
The good news is that on Wednesday 23rd September, I will have my appointment for a second opinion for top surgery. This means that I will sit down with a doctor who is flown over from England, and we answer a series of questions to corroborate the information written in our files. If he approves me (and I’ve been told that it’s just a standard procedure and he always approves) I will be allowed to move forward with my top surgery! There is a funding application procedure to go through after this, which thankfully the GIC (gender identity clinic) takes care of for me, and which is done through different channels to NHS England, so the waiting time for funding is less for us. I’m hoping that this will mean that I can have surgery early next year, hopefully January/February time. This will work best for me with work too, as it’s quiet in the TV/film industry in early new year.
Since receiving the letter (a week ago) I have stepped up my workout regime (which I had started 2 weeks ago) in order to be at peak fitness for surgery. Part of this is the regaining of hope that things are going to start changing for me in a way that I need them to, and part of this is practical. As a non-binary person going for top surgery pre-hormones, I won’t have the naturally-developed muscle growth that comes from testosterone that many trans guys have. I’ve also put on quite a lot of weight in the last few months – a lot of this was due to being quite happy in my relationship, and being with a person who loved food as much as I do. 1 litre tubs of ice cream weekly does nothing good for the waistline. I’ve always been quite a slim person anyways, and although my weight gain is not really visible to other people, I’ve gained 2 stone on what I used to have at my fittest, which really freaked me out. I also have a tyre, which makes me uncomfortable and increases my body dysphoria, so it has to go. I’ve found in the past that no alcohol or bread, lots of protein and fresh fruit and veg and minimal amounts of sweet things helps loads. That, along with my get-fit regimen hopefully means that I’ll be back to my regular shape in a few months.
My depression is back again, although it’s not as bad as it was before. I’m meditating again, and it helps massively. I also find intense exercise in the evening time helps my night-time dip to recede somewhat.
It’s really difficult going this alone. When I feel scared or alone, my first response is to run to someone else to comfort me. I want to stop doing this. And it requires a level of resolve in me that I admit I did not think I possessed. Ending things with my girlfriend has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I know that I need the time and space to be alone. I just have to allow myself to accept that, and to accept the loneliness rather than running away from it. I don’t sleep very well at the moment, but hopefully as I get used to being single again, I’ll start to sleep better.
I have so much more to update about, but I’ll leave this post here and talk about other stuff in my next post 🙂 Sorry again for my absence!