In light of my previous post, I want to start this post by emphatically stating that I do not want to die. I have become addicted to watching the BBC TV series Call the Midwife, which has some brilliant quotes, one of which is this:
The context of this quote within the TV series is in relation to the loss of a lover that a character suffers from. However, I fell that it can apply to many situations. In my case, it relates to my depression. It also relates to the sense of loss that I am feeling due to the break up of my relationship, which I had thought would be a long-term love.
A friend sent me this song by a group called The Poozies, called “Another Train”.
It made me cry. It seems like a have a bit too much emotion rolling around at the moment. Last week, when I wrote my previous post, my emotion had completely overwhelmed me. I have had suicidal thoughts many times over the years. Each time, those thoughts have become worse, and my control over not acting upon those thoughts has become more fragile. This time, it was closer to becoming a reality than it had ever been before, and it was terrifying. I had to keep reminding myself of my family, to live for them. I nearly crashed my car on purpose. But I didn’t. I thought of my mum waiting at home and I got there safe and unharmed.
My cousin recently wrote about her experience of depression. Despite the fact that I write about my depression, there was something about her bravery in writing about it and sharing that experience so widely that has stuck with me. Here’s a link to her article: https://medium.com/@nelltrehy/my-battle-with-depression-9090400ceee1. In this article, she writes about how the support from her family has helped her with managing her depression. People often wonder what they can do for a person who is depressed. The answer is: provide support. Let them know you are there for them.
My family has been incredibly supportive of my decision to come home for a while to help with my recovery from my depression. This support has made a world of difference to me. I am a person who does not lack self-confidence or self-esteem, but who does lack self-belief. And without self-belief, it’s hard to make decisions, even decision that are right at the time. If my family weren’t so clearly supportive of me remaining at home until I feel well enough to return to “life”, I would struggle to justify my decision to do so.
It is one of the perils of living with depression. Self-belief comes in very small quantities, if any, and the depressed mind can convince itself to do exactly that which is worst for it. Daily, I have doubts such as “am I just lazy?” “Am I taking the easy way out?” “Am I just weak, giving up to easy?” “Am I being a spoilt brat who walks away from life as soon as it gets a bit hard?” And I struggle to remind myself at those times that I have been trying, for a very long time, to cope alone with my depression. I tried and I failed. Not because I’m a failure, but because depression, like any other long-term illness, takes time to recover from. Time that, until this point, I have not given myself.
So I’m giving myself this time now. I don’t know how long it’s going to take. And that uncertainty scares me, but it’s something that I’m learning how to live with. And it is my family’s belief that this is the right thing for me to do that gives me the courage, and self-belief, to do this.
I’ll leave you with this quote: