I just wanted to do a quick mental health update. This New Year’s Eve I made a commitment to myself to see the positivity in my life. I think that I definitely have a tendency, as a transgender person and as a person with mental ill-health, to feel sorry for myself. But self-pity is a useless state of being and prevents me from seeing the good things in my life. However, I do think that when I’m feeling bad that it’s important to acknowledge the way I’m feeling too. It just doesn’t do to dwell on it.
I started off this new year on a positive note, cleansing away the negativity from the past year and committing myself to positivity this coming year. But a few days ago my partner of 1 year, who I thought I would end up marrying, and whom I wrote about on my other blog, whatliesinbetween.wordpress.com, broke up with me. It came out of the blue and it has knocked me sideways. I’m trying to keep a positive spin on things but I’m just keeping my head above water at the moment. I’ve learned from past experiences not to isolate myself in times like this, so I’ve moved back home for a while to be surrounded by my family who care about me.
It’s been hard because I find myself questioning everything about our relationship. I don’t know now what was true and what wasn’t. But I keep saying to myself that there’s no point in dwelling on it all. I’m here now and I can only move forward. When I put a positive spin on it, it’s acknowledging that I’m in a better position to process all my thoughts now, particularly in relation to being transgender and non-binary. I’m living at home without the commitments of bill-paying, working, and looking after my own house and sustenance. I know that I’m very lucky to have my home to return to, so I’m making the most of it while I’m here.
On the whole, I would rate my mental health around a 4 on a scale of 1-10, so the only way (hopefully) is up! I’m finding the pills (30mg Citalopram) immensely helpful for distancing me from my emotions. My head feels really fuzzy but I’m not overwhelmed by sadness and for that I’m grateful. In the past, situations like this have hurt me for a very long time. The sadness is there, it’s just not close enough right now to engulf me. And I look at it this way – with such a hard start to the year, this year can only get better!
Oh, and I broke my toe with an iron on Christmas Day but only realised that it’s broken today. As I said, the only way is up!