I’ve only recently come to realise that, despite my anti-depressant medication, I am still depressed. I’m on 40mg Citalopram at the moment (up from 20mg and then 30mg). Initially, this medication reduced my anxiety. However, since my dose was upped to 40mg, the anxiety has come back full force. Perhaps the 20/30mg dose helps to reduce anxiety. While the 40mg has stopped my negative thoughts completely, I’m more anxious than I was before…
Also, I don’t have any enthusiasm (or dislike) towards any activity or subject. I can engage on a political level but I struggle to engage on an emotional level with subjects that would normally have me debating passionately.
The positive is that I’m out of my head enough to engage in banter and witty chat. I can laugh easily and for long periods of time. I haven’t been able to do this for years now, since 2009.
So I’m trying to figure out why I’m still depressed. And I’ve come to the conclusion that Citalopram, rather than being a cure for depression, is more of a facilitator for dealing with depression. It switches off all the emotions and feelings that make depression so hard to deal with. It also switches off the negative thoughts that drive depression and suicidal thoughts (at least it has for me…). In doing so, it becomes a facilitator to help me to find ways to deal with my depression. It gives me time out to put these routines into place.
Ideally, when I stop taking Citalopram (which I fully intend on doing), I’ll have a system, or several systems, in place to help me to cope.
This has refuelled my determination to put together a toolbox that I can both fall back on and use on a daily basis.
My next blog will be about meditation, I promise!