It’s good to be back!

I haven’t written in this blog for quite a long time – 9 months to be exact. I wanted to take a break from sharing my life online, and I also wanted to reevaluate what I share and what I keep private. Personally, I am feeling much more settled in my life. I have a well-paid job, I am happy in my personal life and I want to keep that side of my life private now.

Previously I would have shared all aspects of my life on this blog, but recently I’ve been driven more by the desire to privatise many aspects of my life. This is partly because I have found a greater sense of inner peace, and partly because I have returned to full-time work after 2 years of working freelance and minding my mental health. I don’t want to share so many aspects of my personal life on a platform that my colleagues can easily access, so I needed to evaluate what I was willing to share, and what I wanted to keep private.

I’ve spent the past few months reducing the number of friends I have on my Facebook account. I’ve removed everyone who I previously had on there for work purposes, and specifically people from the LGBT community who aren’t close/regularly-in-contact friends. Anyone who knows my work professionally in the sphere of trans activism knows that I founded and run the Non-Binary+ Northern Ireland group and can contact me using that email address, so I decided to remove those people from Facebook. I also removed a lot of younger trans people who I’ve met over the years from various trans events that I’ve run. I don’t want my Facebook to be used for trans support anymore, rather I want it to be a space for me to keep in touch with people who live further away from me but whom I consider close friends, and to access Facebook events for things I’d like to attend locally.

To this end I have also been reconsidering what to share/not to share on my YouTube channel. I have decided to limit this to transition-specific information, particularly relating to non-binary medical and social transition.

On this blog, I’ve decided to talk about my mental health, trans activism and non-binary related discussions. I know that there is a lack of information about non-binary transition options, both socially and medically, so I’m going to go back over my transition-related choices and discuss these in greater depth in the hope that they might help someone else looking for this information. I’m also going to discuss how I manage my mental health in a constructive, hopefully helpful way, particularly managing it while working full time and doing trans activism voluntarily part-time.

My aim is to write as often as once a week to twice a month, depending on my schedule, and I’m happy to address topics brought up by readers. To this end, I have created a page on this website for anyone to submit their questions anonymously, to which I will endeavour to respond to in a blog post within a month (depending on my schedule).

It’s good to be back!

Posted in Life in general | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Last video on the My Genderation YouTube Channel…

I posted my last video on the My Genderation YouTube Channel today. It’s sad saying goodbye to the channel, but I’m happy to be moving back onto my personal channel. I’ll continue to do videos there, and I’m going to track my experience of low-dose testosterone and my top surgery!


Posted in My Vlogs | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What makes non-binary gender real? 

What makes non-binary gender real? Is it social acceptance? Is it a box on a form? Is it your decision to legally recognise it?

No! Non-binary gender is real because we feel it, we are it, we LIVE it. 

What is a man? What is a woman? What does YOUR gender mean to you? How can you explain it to me, describe to me exactly how it feels to you to be a man, a woman? Have you ever wondered why you accepted your gender as it was given to you?

Privilege! That’s why you accepted it without ever knowing what it feels like to be told that you are something that you are not.

Judith Butler tells us that gender is ‘performative’. Many people misunderstand the meaning of this word. Performative does not mean ‘to perform’. In this context it means that gender is believed to be static through the effect of reiterated acting, while obscuring the contradictions & instability of an individual’s gender act. 

In this way the narrative of binary gender, of male and female polarities, of what “true gender” is, is reinforced through the punishment of those individuals whose gender act refuses to believe in the lies, and by the concealment of individual variations.
Because my gender, by its very existence, refutes the idea of the gender binary, society decides that it’s easier for me not to exist than to coexist, and I am denied, by consensus, access to my truth.
Yet I cannot stop being me. To do so would destroy me from the inside out. Why do you think the incidence of suicide is so much drastically higher in the trans community than in the cisgender population? I have tried to hide myself, to push myself away by wearing other cloaks, putting on others’ masks. The problem with a mask is that it cannot conceal forever. Eventually the cloak falls away, the mask disintegrates, and we have to construct a new costume to conceal ourselves within.

The further down inside we push ourselves, the smaller our fire becomes until eventually it goes out completely. Without the fire, we have no energy, no light, no warmth. Life becomes dark, cold, tiring. Those around us do not know our truth, who we are. We feel like frauds in our own life. How can I know who my true friends are when they don’t know who I am? In the emptiness, it seems that there is only one way to escape.

Some people succumb to the darkness. Others manage fight back, often at the expense of losing EVERYTHING. 

How can our loved ones not love us? How can they have been so easily fooled by the masks, the cloaks, the costumes? Surely they must have known, really deep down, who I was? They were just playing along with the game. 

Truths cannot be denied. And we cannot hide from ourselves forever. Yet we only do so because you make it so. You douse our fires and shovel dirt over the smoke. No more!

I do not deny the existence of your gender simply because I don’t experience it. All I ask is that you pay me the same courtesy. Make good for your mistakes, it’s not too late…

Posted in Speaking Out | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Amy does a Gender: 7 Months HRT

This gallery contains 6 photos.

Originally posted on Don't make me choose!:
After a while it’s barely worth thinking about anymore.  However, the thoughts will still persist.  Once trans hits, that’s it – you can forget at times, but it’s still going to bite,…

Gallery | Leave a comment

Non-Binary Gender Recognition Challenge: How to Guide for Irish Gender Recognition Bill!

Today I received this letter from the Irish Client Identity Service, the governmental department that has been processing gender recognition applications in the Republic of Ireland since the Gender Recognition Bill was passed in September 2015.

Non-Binary Gender Recognition Certificate refusal letter

In my application for a Gender Recognition Certificate, I requested that my gender markers be amended to X and that my gender be recognised legally by the Irish state as non-binary. This letter states their refusal to do so. Although I knew this would happen, it is a necessary process on the road to a legal challenge of the Gender Recognition Bill to recognise non-binary gender.

The process by which I went about doing this is as follows:

  1. I changed my name by deed poll, which required the use of two forms available as templates on the High Courts Central Office website. The first form is a deed poll, which needs to be countersigned by a witness (i.e. someone other than the solicitor). You can also download the adult deed poll template here. The second form has to be signed by the solicitor and the person applying to have their name changed. It’s called the Affadavit of Attesting Witness form which you can download here. This HAS to be printed on deed paper (official yellow legal paper, which the solicitor had in their office). The cost of this was the solicitor’s fee, which was €40.
  2. I enrolled this deed poll in the Irish High Court using this form, submitted along with a copy of my birth certificate. I had to go in to the Irish High Courts in person as they required proof of identification, presented in person by the applicant. The cost of this was €60 stamp duty (along with transport to and from Dublin). This form can also be accessed on the High Courts Central Office website.
  3. I waited 1 month for my deed poll to be enrolled in the High Court, then I returned to the High Court to pick up my deed poll again, along with my birth certificate.
  4. I applied for a Gender Recognition Certificate using the GRC 1 Application Form, which I accessed from the Department of Social Protection’s website. Again, this form had to be witnessed by a solicitor. This time I went to a family friend so there was no cost involved, but otherwise it would have cost me the price of the solicitor’s fee (€40-€60).
    • This is the part that is pertinent to all non-binary applicants so READ ME!:
      • On the first half of Part One, they ask for Personal Details. For the preferred title, I put ‘Mx‘ under the ‘Other’ option. This is a personal choice, but it’s the most commonly used gender-neutral title in the English language.GRC Personal Details
      • Part Two is the Statutory Declaration. In order to request recognition of non-binary gender, I crossed out both ‘male/female’ options and hand wrote ‘non-binary with X gender marker‘ onto the form. This is the part that needs to be written in the presence of, and countersigned by, a solicitor (or peace commissioner/notary public/commissoner for oaths) so make sure to only fill this form out in the presence of the person witnessing your application!Statutory Declaration
  5. I sent this form to the Client Identity Services (CIS) at the following address along with a certified copy of my birth certificate and a certified copy of my deed poll (again, I got my deed polls ‘certified’ at the solicitor’s office at the same time as getting my GRC 1 form signed):
    • Client Identity Services
      Department of Social Protection
      Shannon Lodge
      Co. Leitrim
      N41 KD81
  6. I received the above response from the CIS exactly 1 month after sending off my application. It’s important to state that the CIS did NOT return my copy of my deed poll, so it’s worth keeping this in mind when applying. However, they did return my birth certificate.


  • If you’re not actually changing your name, then you don’t need to go through steps 1-3.
  • If you are changing your name, the only reason why steps 1-3 are necessary is because the Gender Recognition Certificate process requires you to have your deed poll enrolled in the high court – yet more bureaucracy and more financial cost placed upon trans people by the Irish government.
  • If you weren’t born in Ireland but you are resident here, you will ALSO need to provide proof of residency with your GRC 1 form.
  • When showing ID, I just used my passport/driving licence which are still in my old name. As long as I had my deed poll with me, I didn’t have any trouble with this.
  • Don’t expect them to recognise non-binary gender through this process. This is a means to an end – the more of us who go through this and get the letters back from the CIS refusing to recognise non-binary gender legally, the better chance we have at winning a court case against the Irish government!


I am currently looking for other Irish enbies/enbies resident in Ireland who are interested in having their gender legally recognised as non-binary with an X marker to JOIN ME in this challenge to the Irish government! You can contact me in the following ways:


twitter: @tirnanogender

facebook: Tirnanogender

I look forward to hearing from all you other enbies!



Posted in Non-Binary Journey | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Recurrent Fantasy 

TW: domestic abuse, descriptions of violence

Sometimes, when I’m lost in my own thoughts, my mind strays to the past, and to negative memories. When this happens, I often return to a recurring fantasy that is both dark and violent. This fantasy revolves around a person who was physically abusive towards me, and results in me killing this person.

This fantasy is rich in detail, and involves me torturing him psychologically and physically, recreating the fear and pain that he inflicted upon me 10 years ago. When I have this fantasy, I experience a lot of emotions that are charged with adrenaline – it’s like reliving the experience but somehow reclaiming it and retelling it in such a way that I take back the power.

I’ve often questioned what I would do if I actually got the chance to fulfill this fantasy. Part of me knows that it wouldn’t make me feel better to follow through. But another part of me seeks revenge.

The person in question turned out to have a history of violence against women. After he had been arrested, it transpired that his past was littered with women who he had tortured and abused. I use this knowledge to justify my desire to inflict upon him what he inflicted upon me. But I would take it one step further – I would end his life. 

I’m not a violent person – I avoid conflict at all costs. I prefer to walk away rather than to confront. But I would make an exception towards this person. 

Sometimes, when I tell people the story of what he did to me, I get asked “does it still affect you now?” My answer to this question will always be “yes.” There is no possible way to walk away from that situation and forget about it. He showed me that it is possible for a person to completely lack humanity. He was a psychopath and I’m lucky to have got away from him alive. I know this, yet sometimes I forget just how insane he was, just how lucky I was, and just how far I have come since then.

I often wonder if other people who have been through similar situations experience similarly violent fantasies towards their aggressor. I find my dark and somewhat psychotic fantasy to be cathartic. Each time I experience it I feel empowered, I feel sure of myself, I feel invincible. I WANT to take my anger out on him now in a way that I could not do immediately after our relationship ended. 

I will never be able to forget about the violence, pain and fear that he inflicted upon me, but I can reclaim that experience through reliving it in a different way, in which I am the perpetrator, he the victim. Perhaps this makes me just as insane as him, but I don’t care.

It makes me feel better, and after 10 years of living with post-traumatic stress disorder, reliving the worst moments of my experiences with him, it feels fantastic to take back the power that he stole from me and use it to make him suffer. Even if this only happens within my own mind…

Posted in Speaking Out | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Go Fund Me Campaign!

So I don’t normally do this sort of thing, but I wanted to ask my readers a favour. As you will know, I’m currently transitioning medically on the NHS. However, the waiting list for the endocrinologist to prescribe me low-dose testosterone is SO long that I’ve decided to go privately for my first appointment.

In order to see the endocrinologist privately, I have to pay £160 for the appointment and the prescription. I will be able to fill the prescription on the NHS so I just need to raise the £160 to see the endocrinologist and to pay for the script.  £150 is the fee and £10 is for the script.

Unfortunately I’m unemployed at the moment so this is outside of my budget, hence the go fund me campaign! Here’s the link to my Go Fund Me Campaign!

Any money that I raise over £160 will be donated to GenderJam NI, a fantastic trans youth group in Northern Ireland.

Although my appointment is this Thursday 24th March, I have until the end of this month (31st March) to raise this money.

Being able to go privately to get quicker access to hormones will mean the absolute world to me. I have been attending the gender identity clinic in Belfast since August 2014 and I just want to get on with my life now! If you can’t afford to donate any money, please share this campaign on your facebook or twitter account.

Thank you all so much! Much love! ❤



Posted in My Vlogs | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment